Something New

     The ego, what an immense thing. I don't know why, but for some reason when I think of the word ego I envision this big Pac-Man eating up the dots. As each dot gets devoured, Pac-Man is growing bigger and stronger. Without realizing it, I learn my ego is what gets me into trouble. I notice my instant rise in blood pressure when my child tells me he doesn't care what I say, or when one of my students in my class doesn't do the assignment they should be working on.
     I am now in my nineteenth year of teaching, and sure, it has gotten easier. I am more patient, I don't get upset as much perhaps because I have conditioned myself to stay calm when a student is disruptive. Yet as I think about it more closely, the disappointment is still there. When my child doesn't listen to me after being told many times to pick up his shoes, I am less likely to lose it, I do remind myself to stay calm, but the underlying frustration persists.
     So now I am made aware it is my ego is the wall that blocks me from thinking clearly. Makes total sense, though not easily fixed. It can't just be pushed aside, since it is there chomping away at the dots. Except what I can do is acknowledge it, and then let it go.
     The other day I put this to the test without really knowing what I was doing. Maybe it was a the first of many test runs, but here's what happened. As it is the end of the semester, which means grading season, I had a student come to me after assignments were due. She has had a difficult time this semester, and she waited until the last possible moment to complete her work. When she came to me I felt instant tension because I knew what she was going to ask. She wanted me to give her the higher grade because she was so close. That's how it went, with a plea for help because it would help her GPA, and it would help her college application. I was very close to telling her absolutely not. That is was her fault for waiting for the last moment, and if I changed it she wouldn't learn her lesson.
     Suddenly I remembered my ego wall, and in a moment of clarity I said, "I'll think about it." At least it would let me breath, stay calm, and at the very least come up with a thoughtful decision. When I could see I wanted her to suffer certain consequences, it was apparent to me this is what I wanted for this student. Somehow I was going to teach her what was what. In the end, I decided to grade an assignment she turned in past its due date, which indeed did alter her grade.
     I wrote her a note explaining my thought process, and ended it by saying, "Ultimately, I hope you can find what is you truly want for yourself. I'll do what I can to guide you there." I cannot say for sure I did the right thing here. Yet, I do feel it is a step in the right direction.
     As a teacher and parent, my ego will always be lurking. It will be a long process to deconstruct it since my personal Pac-Man has been going at it since my first memory. However, currently I am calm, unsure, but definitely more calm. I am hopeful this is the beginning of something new.